Friday, May 30, 2014

Hope, Patience and Prayer

We began our second round of fertility treatment on Mother's Day. After three days of injections, I went in for a blood test to see if my hormone levels were where they needed to be to proceed with the next step. I went in for the test early on a Wednesday morning. My doctor called me within a couple of hours and told me I needed to come right back for an ultrasound. Of course, I rushed out of work and straight to the hospital. They proceeded with the ultrasound and found one very mature follicle. It was GO time! I called Daniel with so much excitement/nervousness. I couldn't believe it was time to move forward with our first IUI. We were scheduled for Friday morning. Daniel went in early that morning and did what he needed to do for the IUI. I'm sure you can figure it out. My appointment was at 11:00 AM. I was so scared. My doctor told me it didn't hurt but at the same time, it was a male doctor telling me this information. I sent a friend who had been through the same thing a text message asking if it hurt...she said no, just pressure. They were right. Afterwards, as I was laying on the table resting...I looked over at Daniel and burst into tears. He said to me, "I hope those are happy tears." They were very happy tears. I couldn't believe that we were so close to the possibility of being pregnant. They knocked on the door after 20 minutes and told me that I could get up now. I looked at Daniel and said 5 more minutes. I wanted to be sure I rested longer than the recommended time. =) We were sent home and told to wait two weeks. TWO WEEKS!! The next 14 days seemed like a lifetime. 

For the next two weeks, I will give myself twice daily medications and try super hard not to take daily pregnancy tests. I was quite proud of myself though. I didn't test until day 10.  The evening of May 25th, I tested a faint positive. So, I tested again...and it was also a faint positive. The next day was Memorial Day. I had gotten two little bathing suits in patriotic colors, put them in a box with the faintly positive test and gave it to Daniel. He opened the box and looked at the test. At this point, he was so use to me handing him tests that I thought were positive. I would tell him to angle it a certain way and you can see the line. He would look at me and say no, it's negative. But, this time, he goes...yep! That's positive and smiled. The next day, I went to my doctors for a test. It was negative. It could have been a false positive. It could have been a "chemical pregnancy." 
We will never know. 

On May 30th, it was confirmed that I was not pregnant. For some reason, I was so very hopeful that this treatment would work. I guess it's the only way to be in these circumstances. Everything that was going on with my body made me hopeful that maybe we were pregnant. Reality hit and hit hard this morning. I called my doctors to tell them that the IUI was not successful and to schedule my next one. We were never told that there was any sort of wait list. But, when the doctor said okay, well the next one available is in September. My heart dropped. I asked her if she was sure? I told her we wanted to do another IUI...not IVF yet. I didn't think there was a wait list for IUI's. She confirmed that there are indeed wait lists for both. She apologized. I could hear the compassion in her voice. It took everything I had to hold it together on the phone. I told her thank you and would wait for their call in August to schedule. I hung up and buried my face in my hands. I could no longer control my emotions. I called Daniel and told him the news. I was hysterical. He asked me to repeat myself many times. Of course, he was bummed. He was upset they never told us about a wait list but what can we do about that? Absolutely, nothing. He told me that I needed to be strong and think positive. He reminded me that it wasn't over yet and not to act as if it was over. But, I am heartbroken. 
Today, I can not be strong. Today, I will cry. 
Tomorrow, I will continue to be hopeful. I will continue to be patient and I will continue with prayer. 

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