Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Round 4...But, who's counting?!

As I am sitting here, patiently waiting for our doctors appointment to hurry up and get here, all I can think about is this whole process. It's been a long road. It's been emotional and exhausting. However, I have to remind myself on a daily basis that God has a plan for us. I also remind myself that we are so fortunate to have medical coverage for everything thus far. I hope and pray that continues to be the case. Recently, I have heard that not all military installations cover fertility costs. Apparently, San Diego is one of the largest facilities that actually does cover it. My mind sure does like to wander-maybe this is why we got orders to San Diego. God knew we would need to be at one of the best fertility clinics within the military community. It breaks my heart that there are people out there who don't have the chance at fertility treatments. I've known people that have used their retirement funds and life savings just for the chance at parenthood. It's sad that so many take such an incredible miracle for granted. 

We will begin our 4th treatment today. It will be the final try with an IUI. The next step will be IVF. Usually, I am really excited to begin our next treatment but not this time. Maybe I am scared to be let down again. Why should this one work when the last 3 treatments haven't worked? I know you are suppose to be positive in these situations but quite frankly...I have been positive for several years now and I just don't have it in me today. Of course, I want more than anything for this treatment to work. Hopefully, come 2:00 PM today and ultrasound time...my positive attitude kicks in! 

For the VERY first time, I have begun to think about what if I just wasn't meant to have my own children. It's extremely difficult for me to stomach. Are these thoughts normal? In allllll my life, I have always known I was meant to be a Mom. I still do. Again, maybe this is just me preparing myself for the worst. I know adoption is an option so please don't think I haven't thought about all of our options. But, I have also thought that maybe I'm just meant to be a Mom to fur babies. You all know that I treat them just like humans. Ha! 

Goodness. Who knows? This treatment may be the one. However, after so many let downs...it's the greatest battle of all to remain optimistic. I will try my very best though! I mean...what's the alternative? I guess I could be depressed and negative about the whole situation but why? I've never been one to live my life in that way. And, I refuse to start now. Yes. Parenthood won't come easy to Daniel and I. We will give it our all and keep trying until we have exhausted every single outlet. Will we have our pity days? You betcha! That's normal, right? Anyway, if you pray-please say a little prayer for our treatment! If you don't, positive vibes are greatly appreciated!! ;)

I've always turned to music to brighten my mood and soothe my soul. I just stumbled upon this song. It hit close to home for me today. 

Silver Lining: Kacey Musgraves