I put on a brave face and smiles are what you see on the outside. It's a constant battle within myself to remain positive. There are days that I don't want to be positive. Fighting anger recently has been extremely difficult for me. There are times when bitterness gets the best of me. I have to remind myself that God only gives you what you can handle so suck it up and keep smiling. During the smallest things like wiping down the counters or picking up dog toys, I will completely break down. Since we started trying to have a baby, I have been dedicated to keeping my strength and not allowing this battle to break me. I have clinched my teeth and held back tears more times than I can count. I have walked in another room so no one would see me cry when I can no longer fight the emotion. Every time someone asks me when do we plan on starting a family? I smile and say one day. While deep inside, I am crumbling apart because I want that one day to be today. I plan lots of trips or weekend getaways because it gives me something to look forward to because I have felt let down looking forward to getting pregnant.
This past week, I believe all of those strong moments came crashing down. It was the simplest thing. I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a picture of an adorable baby boy. He was cuddled up and looking absolutely precious. I was smiling and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing. All of a sudden, my head was filled with thoughts. What will our baby look like? Will we be blessed with a baby on our next fertility treatment? Or, will we get lucky and get pregnant on our own? Since our last fertility treatment, I have started Daniel and I on a few natural supplements. I journal or blog for therapy. I have started doing mediation to relax my mind and body. We will be signing up for our first acupuncture treatment this month. We are eating healthier and exercising on a regular basis. We are doing pretty much everything that I've read or been told we should be doing to get pregnant.
Lately, I have been asking myself why a lot. Why us? Why is God not wanting us to have a baby yet? Why is he punishing us? Why is he testing our patience? Some of the "whys" are ridiculous. I know. But, when you are an emotional mess...you ask ridiculous questions.
Don't worry. I still remain extremely hopeful. I'm still confident that God put me on this Earth to become a Mother. But, I'm sad too. I'm angry. I'm hurt.