Our Struggle with Infertility

I am putting our story out there because I hope to help others who battle with infertility. I can't even tell you how many blogs I have read that have helped inspire me and guide me through this difficult journey. 

We started down the road of infertility roughly three years ago. We didn't know it at the time. We didn't know just how emotionally, physically and mentally draining this road would be for us. Of course, we had heard stories from friends and family that struggled with the most painful experience we would soon be facing. But, even with those stories, no one could prepare us for the greatest battle our marriage would face thus far. 

We married in April 2008 and knew right away that having children was something very dear to both of our hearts. We weren't quite ready but knew some day, we would try. Sea duty was coming to an end and the conversations of beginning our family were in the full bloom. We would soon transfer and Daniel would finally be on shore duty. THREE full years of my husband home with me. We knew now was the time to begin the next chapter in our lives. So, we stopped trying to NOT get pregnant. It was exciting. I was hopeful. I was anxious. I was ready to be a Mama. 

When we moved to San Diego in June 2012, we had been casually trying to pregnant. No luck. But, I wasn't upset at the time. I wasn't thinking about what if we can't get pregnant? I just thought to myself, maybe it's not the time. Maybe we are meant to get settled in San Diego before we are blessed with a baby. So, we bought a house. We started to get settled in. And, we kept trying. 

In November 2012, I woke up early in the morning and pulled out a First Response Test and I waited. Daniel was downstairs, drinking his coffee I believe. Three minutes went by and I came running down the stairs. I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. I was thrilled. I was on cloud nine. Daniel was smiling. I think he was immediately nervous. We were going to have a baby!! We found out a week or so before we were heading to see family for Thanksgiving. So, we decided to keep it a secret until we saw our family. I had no plans of NOT telling them. I know some say you should wait until at least 8 weeks or even the first trimester. But, there was no way I could keep this secret. We called Daniel's parents before we left and they were so happy!! We landed in Indiana for Thanksgiving. I had made a shirt that said "Little One On Board." Daniel was recording the whole thing. The video quality is pretty bad but I'm so thankful it was captured. I saw my Mom and brother waiting down the stairs. I walked casually and she immediately read my shirt and started crying. She was so happy. My brother congratulated us. It was an unforgettable moment in my life. We ended up telling the family as they arrived for dinner. We posted it on FaceBook and the sweet comments and likes kept coming in. 

                                          

We got home after a great trip visiting family. We both went back to work. I was already buying baby stuff. I just couldn't help myself. It was a Friday night, I was about to leave work and I had to use the restroom. So, I did. As I was in the restroom, I saw a spot of blood. I thought, that's odd but knew that it could sometimes happen. I walked out and one of my co-workers who has children was standing there. I quietly told her what I saw and she said it could be nothing but you should go to your doctor, now. I got in my car. I called Daniel. I immediately started sobbing. I just knew that something wasn't right. Daniel met me at the hospital. When we got there, he grabbed me and started sobbing. I had never seen this man cry like this before. I was trying so hard to be strong that I was insensitive to his feelings. He finally told me as we sat in the hospital room waiting for the doctor, no one has to be strong in this situation. No one. It was when he said that, that I knew it was okay to be sad. It was okay to let my guard down and cry. The bleeding was getting worse and I knew what was happening. The doctors confirmed that the pregnancy stopped very early on. The last two weeks of excitement were for nothing. At least, that's how I felt at the time. We went home. I had no idea the pain that was to come not only emotionally but physically. I stayed in bed for days. It was real life nightmare.

I'm so grateful for friends and family that were so kind during this terrible time. I received so many messages, phone calls, text messages, cards and two gorgeous flower arrangements.

After the miscarriage, I was scared to try to get pregnant again. We took a few months off from trying. When we decided to start trying again, we were not having any luck. At this point, it had been several years of trying with only one unsuccessful pregnancy. We decided to make an appointment with the Infertility Clinic. We had various tests ran on both of us. One of which was extremely painful for me! OUCH! Everything came back great for me. It was wonderful. For so long, I thought what if something isn't right? What if I can't get pregnant? Becoming a Mom was something that I ALWAYS knew I wanted. There was nothing in the world that I wanted more than to be a Mom. Absolutely nothing. 

For some reason, they called me with Daniel's test results. I thought it was odd but didn't think it was a big deal. I was sure everything was fine. But, it wasn't fine. When I got home from work, Daniel was sitting on the couch watching TV. I sat down next to him and told him how much I loved him. I told him that no matter what, I would stand by his side. He looked a little confused. I told him that the doctors called me with your results. He just looked at me. But, it's almost as if he was looking right through me. I proceeded to tell him that the results came back that he has a low sperm count. Daniel stood up and walked to the refrigerator. He opened the door and took a drink. He turned around and grabbed me. He held me in his arms while he poured his heart out to me. I thought the tears of the miscarriage were heart breaking, but having your husband who just found out that he is the "problem" in our troubles of having a baby...there are no words. He felt like less of a man. He felt like I was going to leave him. He felt embarrassed. He felt guilty. I know there are many other things he felt that I have no idea. I told him we would get through this. 

It was long road to where we are today and the road is not ending, that's for sure. We have come around some pretty intense curves but we are hopeful. It has been a struggle. It has been the hardest point in our marriage. We have argued and cried. We have had many conversations of how we can not let this hurdle ruin our love. And, we have done a darn good job. So, let me go ahead and pat ourselves on the back! :) 

On March 30th, we officially started fertility treatment. On April 8th, we went in for an ultrasound to find out if I will ovulate and how many eggs will be released. It was EXCITING. The idea of being blessed with a baby after struggling for so long is indescribable. Unfortunately, the first treatment did not work. We are waiting for our second treatment. 

We hope and pray that these treatments and the help of the amazing team at the Infertility Clinic will give us the blessing that we have been hoping, praying and dreaming about for so long.

The words of this image are so true. 

(Image from aroyaldaughter.com)